I can’t believe that the year is almost ending! I know it’s too early for me to write my year-end post but I feel like doing something like that today.
Year 2011 has been very tough and soul-exhausting for me and for my family. It was like the stains of 2010 had found its way to crawl into this year. I was hopeful with my family that 2011 would be our year. 2010 ended in a complicated move to a different house which I had to give up the small savings Gracia and I had for our wedding to pay almost everything. That was exactly the last day of 2010. So we celebrated the first day of 2011 in a new home.
We did not have so many foods and we did not have any fireworks to celebrate the New Year with. But great the LORD was that we had enough on our table and we even had a bottle of red wine, plus we were together. We were complete except for Christina who has her own family in Bulacan. I was positive that everything would be okay as I liked so much the new house. It was brighter than the old one.
We began the year with family prayers which was so beautiful and the hope was so fresh that it was almost reaching the face of the sky.
The money issue still crawling into each new day but it was manageable. Papa was getting better and he started working again. But Gracia and I were worried about getting married this year. It had been taken aside for so many times due to recurring reasons. We were losing hopes and we felt that if we did not do anything to hold the wedding this year, the hope which was so little by then might be lost and I knew in my heart that when the fire began to die, it would take a long way to see it spark again. So we sought all help we could get.
In our families meeting where Gracia and I would announce formally that we were getting married, we insisted to get married in May of this year. And we did not have a single penny for the wedding at all! All we had was love and faith.
Our hope got excited when we received a Yes from my biological grandfather that he would support us, especially in money matters. In the end, it only broke my heart into million of pieces when I was left hanging in the air a week before the wedding. I felt so hurt and it was more painful when I was getting blamed for their decision. But glory to God that Gracia and I got married in May of this year. It was not a grand kind of wedding but it was really beautiful. It cost us to give up Gracia’s purchasing power for the next six months, if you know what I mean. So we were on a very tight budget but we were very happy.
A month after the wedding, Papa had a serious heart problem and he was taken to a private hospital in Pacita, San Pedro which goal was to increase our bills. I said this because after two weeks staying in that hospital, we insisted transferring him to the Philippine Heart Center where the doctor there told so many things which should have been done since day one but were not in the former hospital. The expenses were unbelievable. We had been humbled way below the ground. But we kept trusting God in everything for He never failed us.
Then Gracia’s sister gave birth to Ethan James in August. In less than a week, the baby got a fever and was diagnosed with infection of the blood. The bill was incredible. We thought that was it until in September, Gracia’s another sister gave birth to Ezra Daniel through Caesarian. Aside from day to day worry seeing the little baby in the ICU with all those unforgiving tubes, the bill was overwhelming. The memory of my baby brother Jean Emmanuel kept crossing in my thoughts. Although it was not entirely on us, since we are family, we care and we tried our best to help.
Gracia and I had so much to bear. I was thinking about us, about my family, and about her family. It was the grace of God that we got to survive each day. I tried to calm down every time I saw my brothers getting thinner. Praise the LORD that they were born with beautiful faces.
The distance of my travel to work everyday took its toll on me in my birth month, the month of October. Prior to this, I felt like I was always sick but I ignored that as much as I could. The first Sunday of that month, I was diagnosed with Intestrial Pneumonia and later that week, I bled again because of UTI. The Urologist said I had Kidney stones based on the ultrasound results. It was a very uncomfortable situation to me and to Gracia. Gracia was also sick that time.
In that same month, my family had to vacate the house because of the old reason. I had been fighting for this, to keep my family all together in a house but everything seemed so against me. I tried to resort to writing again but after writing half of the story and not getting any call or message from any publishers, I lost my heart and was not able to finish writing. It was so difficult that I could not join my family in the transfer. What broke my heart was the fact my family had to be distributed. Roron had to be in Bulacan. Calvin had to go to a boarding house in Calamba and Jojo in Santo Tomas. Thank God that Alex was offered to stay with Franz, a friend from church until the end of school year. The rest would join Tita Sol in San Pedro.
All of this had put so much Ginger (Depression) on me. Every hour I worried so much in thinking if they had something to eat, if they were safe. Also I was concerned about the people they were with. I also knew, even if they were not putting it in words, they were all hurting and left with no choice but to live with it. I felt so lost and failed.
Then Nanay, my mother in law, had her operation in October. Praise God that it was successful. Also Calvin got another scholarship. God was so amazing that He always assures me everything is in His mighty control.
I fought Ginger with the hope coming from the LORD, believing in His promise that there would come a day that my whole family would eat together in one same table with so much to eat as prophesied to my sister Nikka Lynn by one of our Pastors.
I still have so many discomforts in my body even though the medication for my kidneys was successful. This and so many other things including my long travel to work are putting me on plate of hard decision-making. It was getting harder for me to travel a long distance everyday. I thought of resigning and look for a new job somewhere near in our place. The back pay would definitely help. I had talked to my boss and to the boss of my boss and I was so grateful with those kind words they said about me. But I am getting the Old Allergy again. I was losing the will to fight and this affects everything.
Last night I realized my decisions were selfish. My prayers were more of complaints than of communicating to God. Today, I am praying that when I finalize my decision about everything, this would glorify God and would benefit all that are involved. Also, I pray that the decision would be a decision I could keep until the decided day.